OH . . . THE PAIN !
One of the most misunderstood of all the experiences we face today is that of PAIN. Amazingly enough, it seems that nobody likes it, wants it, or even seeks it! Smile! Almost nobody, especially in this generation, recognizes its value. Most of us see pain as an enemy to be avoided, and we believe somehow, that if we run from it hard enough, it will never catch us, and that we will be better off for the escape. But reality is that each of us deal with its presence everyday. We all have our share, and in fact, most of us feel that we have more than our fair portion.
Doesn't God understand what we're going through? Doesn't He care that we are suffering? How could a loving parent ("our Father who is in heaven"), sit idly by and watch all this happen? The truth is that He is well aware of what is going on, and He knows that under the circumstances, it is the only way for us to reach the specific and desired goal.
To get to what God sees as valuable, we must first realize a few things. It is necessary to understand that pain and problems are Unavoidable Reality, even though we spend so much time trying to escape their powerful grip. Some seem to think that life owes them, so when trouble comes, they cry foul, and / or feel short changed. But considering that: we come into life screaming, and leave it by dying, why on earth would we expect the middle portion to be a bed of roses or a bowl of cherries? An illusion of survival and winning, is often about the ones who have not as of yet, experienced great loss or tragedy. A myth of both youth and delusion, is that it will never, or at least, should never happened to me. Look around, it is happening, and YOU and I WILL experience trouble as others have and are, even if we seem to have escaped so far.
In order to see the value that can only be gleaned from trials, we need to consider the concept of Hurt vs. Harm. We must understand that these are two painful words which can have profoundly different meanings. For example, we think of a dentist in terms of pain, and candy in terms of pleasure. But the truth is that the dentist seems to hurt you every time you see him, yet never harms you. On the other hand, candy with its sugar effects, doesn't ever seem to hurt, but its effect almost always brings harm. The one that brings pleasure will harm you, but the one that brings pain, brings healing. Hmmm?
The Bible speaks of pain as a very natural part of existence: In Hebrews 9:27, we are told that "it is appointed unto man once to die". 1 Peter 4:12, 13, says "..do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you, but rejoice..."; Job 14:1, states that, "Man born of woman is of few days and full of trouble". Ecc. 3:4, tells us that there is, "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance". A hard confession for most of us to make, is very clearly stated by David in Psm.119:71, "It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees". HMMMMM!
What is often missed, is that God has given each of us a wonderful tool with which to deal with life, and a sure way with which to guarantee maintaining touch with reality. It must understood that this wonderful tool will only work correctly, when it has the basic raw material to work with, called pain. We call this tool, the Grieving Process. The Kubler-Ross Stages of Grief, are not mentioned specifically in the Bible, but are an extremely helpful tool to help us successfully work through the grieving process as God has intended. These also will check our progress and show us when we are stuck or avoiding the grieving necessity or reality itself. The stages with brief descriptions are as follows: Denial , a natural process that God gives to help us work our way into the shock of this new painful reality. It says there must be a mistake, those are not my X-rays, or you must have the wrong address. One caution is, that carried to an extreme, it will keep us from owning our pain as we must, in order to become completely healed. Passing from denial brings Anger, which is natural and justified when tragedy strikes. We now own this new information, and begin processing it by being angry. We test to find if our anger is just, we resolve to use our anger to right the wrong, as much as it is in our power to do so, then forgive if it is possible and move on. Next is Bargaining, which is a natural way of sorting out what can and cannot be rectified, and helps in finding each person's responsibility. Bargaining is the could of, should of, and what if thoughts and tradeoffs. It can be done with self, with another, or with God. Then comes Depression, a very flat, hopeless, lonely, and dark feeling of not having what we once did. The things we have expected out of life, now appear unattainable. After we have fully experienced the pain of the loss, finally comes Acceptance. This stage always comes only after we allow the rest of the stages to perform their healing work, and it now reassures us that the changes we now experience, will be OK, and in some circumstances, desirable.
Grief is not a problem to be cured, but is simply a statement that you have loved, believed, hoped, committed, lived, etc., and that this connection between self and reality has been disrupted and broken, bringing disappointment, sorrow, pain and loss. To grieve is not to be either strong or weak, but is a statement that you are as human as all others who have come before you. What too often thwarts grief is the confusing clouds of guilt and shame, often added to by misdirected well meaning fixers. Grief must see beyond all of these to the simple truth of human loss and the reality of unfulfilled expectation. It is the work of grieving to learn how to adjust to loss in a way that makes life livable and even desirable. The tragic truth is that some never complete the process, though this transition is essential to emotional health.
Escaping Reality: A major source of problems comes from the mishandling
of pain by getting stuck in one or several of the stages. We often do this by seeking to escaping our pain through self-medication, running away from our problems, blaming others, and even by Christians who wait for God to do for them what He clearly expects them to do for themselves. This often happens as many are consumed by what I call Frivolous Fear. Winston Churchill well stated that "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself", or as is considered here, the fear of pain. That is not to say that there is no reality in actual fear, but the problem comes in not recognizing it as a tool for health. Everyone has within, the Fright, Fight or Flight Response. This is brought on by our own bodies drug called "epinephrine", when a perceived crisis strikes. It is not recognized by most, but the physiological symptoms of fear and anger are identical. By accurately recognizing the resources available, and with the correct attitude and response to fear, it can be converted into righteous indignation, and used to rectify an injustice. This is the reality that God has planned for each, not to destroy us, but to convert our lives into His wonderful instrument.
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Pain thus becomes a Discipline, allowed by the loving will of God. It is not intended to bring harm, but by a portion of its inherent hurt, it brings healing and cleansing. As we recognize its value, we stop running from its effects and instead leads us to Self-discipline. It is a sad truth that in this day we, on the whole, are moving toward a "Painless Society". In schools we are trying to help our children avoid pain by doing away with corporal punishment and a system which grades achievement. Instead we give everyone a passing grade, so the they won't have to face the "pain of the shame" of failure, and fail to teach them the reality of dealing with inevitable pain they will surely face in their lifetime. Many recognize what that is doing to this generation and to society as a whole. Even in our churches we are adopting a "painless theology", and instead of focusing on the will of God for us, are adopting self-gratification as our goal, both temporally and eternally. We are building a society of those who spend more time running away from life instead of living it. A motto of many is "question authority", or "I'm looking out for #1", or even "if it feels good, do it", with little to no thought of consequences.
It may now be easy to see how important it is to correctly handle the pain of individual problems as it strikes, to confront and to grow from it, but what about those areas that have already been mishandled? The past is the past and there is nothing I can do to correct that. True? Not necessarily.
Let's look briefly at the practical application of the use of pain in recovery and healing if it has already been mishandled. Going back and identifying once again with the problem of our situation, can often be a cure if we have been practicing escape artists , historically speaking. This can often be done by talking with a friend, getting involved in a support group, or seeking counsel from a professional. But in order to be well, we must be honest and name the disease. We can't go to a dentist, tell him we have a blistered heal and expect him to fix a tooth ache. So it is in recovery, we must be honest, and identify exactly what it is we need healed, and begin to speak openly about it. If we have short changed the process of grieving our losses or confronting our pain the first time around, it just may be time to go back and admit our short comings and do it again, but honestly this time.
Healing then is found by facing our pain, grieving our losses and realizing that through it, we are gaining a wisdom and a maturity that can be found nowhere else. As we ourselves, gain this new experience we can perhaps be considered wise enough to be entrusted and assigned with the 2Cor.1:4 task, "that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God". This is a wisdom found nowhere else, and one that is well worth the bravery, the humility and the honesty to pursue.
Unlocking and Dealing with Painful Memories
In order to heal a specific disease, we must first identify the disease. In order to do that, often there must be an exploration of possible contacts and exposures to certain infections, bacteria and viruses. Then there needs to be a battery of tests done to see what contaminates are residing in the body tissues and blood stream. There is often, a consideration to explore the interaction between any of these with each other, and with the body itself. Now a reasonable diagnosis can be made, and a treatment plan will be initiated. After the treatment is started, a close monitoring of the reaction between the treatment and the disease is observed, and adjustments are made as deemed necessary. If the outcome is not favorable, then a return to other results and observations gleaned from the previous tests, provides an alternative avenue to explore, otherwise more tests are required. Only by getting a hold of as many facts as possible can one come up with a reasonable diagnosis and treatment plan, thus hope for recovery is expected.
This also is true when dealing with emotional problems and difficulties. On the emotional side, these are often referred to as PAIN, and must receive at least the same amount of focus as physical pains and problems, and sometimes more. This pain by definition can be seen as sorrow, fear, regret, shame feelings, a sense of guilt, wrong choices, and any number of other emotions and thoughts. In each one of us there are the known and the unknown thoughts and memories, both active and dormant in the conscious and subconscious parts of our minds. It is just as necessary to get in contact with these, as it is with the bacteria and viruses of a physical illness. These are more often than not, the "bugs" of our emotional diseases. But these are not always easy to access, because of our minds defense, or "immune" system, which, working in a natural way protects us from shock and trauma. The problem arises when our "denial" takes over to the degree that we "block out" both the good and the bad, and tends to do it on a more permanent basis than is necessary and healthy. In order to get in touch with these diseased thoughts we need to be able to talk about, and become comfortable with their presence and substance, and to feel that it is normal and OK to have them.
Somewhere in our psyche, we have either been told or have told ourselves that they are not normal, that they are not OK, or that they are not safe to explore because of the PAIN that they may expose. We may find that no matter how hard we try, there are just certain details of our lives or even whole eras, that we can't connect with. The doors to our remembering are somehow closed, and to the natural way of thinking that part of our lives is just permanently gone. Still understanding, that many keys to our wellness could be in there, just out of reach, we must find a way of accessing them.
That is the purpose of the "PAIN Workbook". As we begin to bring thoughts out on paper where we can see them, we begin to become comfortable and even safe with them. Here we can reason with them, and see both their reality and their lies. Here we can get a second opinion as to what the real value of these thoughts and feelings are. Some of these are holding the door closed on other thoughts and emotions. As we begin see these in their true perspective, we then become safe enough "subconsciously", to allow the door to open in other unseen areas. As the new material comes to light, we then see it the same way we did the other thought processes, and are then able to talk about, and feel safe with these. The possibilities here can become almost endless.
As you work in your PAIN Workbook, write only 3 - 6 word, 1 line phrases: i.e. "broken screen door", "uncle Charlie's car", etc. Write them down as they come, in any order, no matter when they happened chronologically. You will skip from 5 years old to 21 years old, then 12, then 4, then 16, then any age. Don't try to make sense, write a story, or write sentences. These are only intended to be memory joggers. No one will see them except you; and only you will know what they mean.
As you write, include every trauma; every major event; every pain you suffered; whether inflicted by someone else, or by your own wrong choices; every time you can remember hurting someone else. Also write every success and every good and happy time. The first page or two will fill up rather quickly. Take it everywhere with you, stop to enter every thought as it comes, whenever it comes, and wherever it comes. Even after the well seems to have dried up keep opening those doors. Begin to read it out loud during your quiet times and hear what your life has been all about. Meditate on each incidence and individual, experiencing each memory as it comes.
ARNO PROFILE SYSTEM
Most will agree that man is a three part being: Body, Soul and Spirit. The Body of course is that part of man that interacts with the material world, and the Spirit is that part that relates to the unseen and to God. The Soul is the part that allows a person to interact with people, their environment and themselves (including body and spirit).
The Soul which is the seat of the intellect, the will and the emotions, is comprised of the Personality, the Character and the Temperament. The Personality is the mask a person selects to present themselves to others, is determined by what a person perceives others expect of them, and changes as that person changes their environment. The Character is that part of a person that is shaped by man and the environment, it is stable in most situations but can be modified when necessary and is a learned attitude and behavior.
Temperament, created by God, is the inborn (not genetic, i.e., brown hair, blue eyes, etc.) part of a person that determines how a person will react to people, places and things. It is how they interact with their environment and the world around them, and pinpoints their perception of themselves, of the people who love them, as well as a determining factor in how well they handle the stresses of life.
The temperament is seated in three areas also: Inclusion, Control and Affection. The Inclusion area is the intellect and determines social interaction, whether a person relates better to tasks or people, and whether they are outgoing or shy. The Control area is the will and determines how well a person makes decisions, how well they carry out responsibilities and how dependent or independent they are. The Affection area determines how many emotions a person will share, how emotionally guarded they are, how intimate they are with extremely close people and the depth of those emotions.
Drs. Richard and Phyllis Arno, who set up the nation wide counseling system for the CBN television network, developed Temperament Therapy based on the disciplines of temperament and temperament needs. Working with existing research in four lines of theory and developing a fifth, the Arnos have established a school of therapy which is extremely effective on its own, or integrated with other methods of treatment. This work has led to the establishment of the National Christian Counselors Association, a large and effective group of Christian counselors, numbering in the thousands.
It is important to note that, both the temperament and the temperament needs of the individual are diagnostically identifiable, and scientifically and mathematically measurable, using an instrument initially developed by Will Schutz, Department of Psychiatry, Albert Einstein College of Medicine, Yeshiva University. Through years of research and practical application, the accuracy of this method of testing and treatment are unparalleled in both the secular and the Christian counseling realm.
This method is a Biblical model based on Psalm 139:13-16, which believes that man is created in the image of God, designed in the womb and prepared exactly for the purposes of God. To that end, it recognizes both the strengths and weakness of the individuals temperament needs and their fulfillment as key and crucial to the emotional well being of that individual. God, because of His unfathomable love for us, created our enabling strengths to carry out a work designed specifically for each of us, making our existence immeasurably important to Him. It also recognizes that most of our weakness are little more than our strengths pushed to extreme, (i.e., the gift of giving, unbalanced can bankrupt), and are therefore often correctable by the application of knowledge of the individuals temperament and self-discipline.
The temperament and its understanding, is a determining factor in:
Finding a career that is most comfortable for us
Finding hobbies that will bring us the most satisfaction and enjoyment
How we make decisions and take on responsibilities
How dependent or independent we are
Our spiritual development
Our happiness and satisfaction in marriage
Our relationship in the home and other social situations
The use of the Arno Profile System is an invaluable tool in the counseling process that we have found to be crucial in discovering information attainable by no other means. It saves countless hours of therapy and their related dollar figures, and we highly recommend its application to the situations of all our clients.
